


for all the colors i've been blind to before

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Death, Colors, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26119375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: donghyuck is many colors at once and mark wished he wasn't color blind.or when mark realized associating colors with his memory of donghyuck was a mistake.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	for all the colors i've been blind to before

I would like to think that life was filled with many colors. So many, more than our eyes could see. And I thought it was such a pity. To think that there are colors our eyes have yet to see. It must've been beautiful. But I think that you're beautiful too. 

You're pretty much the same as colors. Unique. Never the same. Not boring. _Beautiful._

My eyes never did justice to you. But I hoped my heart did. Or even getting close to it. 

When I was still in the kindergarten, my teacher taught me that there are seven colors. Red, orange, yellow green, blue, pink, and purple. Colors that compose rainbow. And the rest of the colors are just another shade of them.

Rainbows are beautiful. Though I could count the times I saw them with my fingers and still have more. Rare.

Maybe beautiful things weren't meant to be seen frequently. Maybe beautiful things have an expiration date. Maybe it is.

Donghyuck, you are many colors at once. And my poor eyes couldn't take more than one at a time. I didn't know when I started associating you with color when I myself is partially color blind. But I managed at last. And if someone mentions a color to me, I would describe what it meant to me. Though colors weren't meant to be described. Colors should just be a color. No more.

And now I'm going through it.

_Red._

Red is your color. Your spirit is red, Donghyuck. You're not the one who ignited something inside my heart. You are the fire. Burning warm inside my heart. I feel it every time your touch burns into my skin. I feel it every time we kiss and every second we take into memorizing each inch of our body. Red is sexy as you always said. 

But I think red is the color of love. It was the blush of your soft cheeks on a cold day. I miss kissing your cheeks. I miss the way you would protest at it. Red feels like playing games with you. Hours spent sitting cross-legged in the living room until our legs felt numb. We are both very competitive and I enjoyed every game we played together. But you're on a whole of another level Donghyuck. There's no way I could beat you.

Red feels like a date in a chinese restaurant. Those foods were delicious and I always dragged you there every Saturday to eat the same menu. The conversations we had about the koi in the huge aquarium in that restaurant. If we ever get the chance to renovate our house, I would like to add a small pond for kois. You love them, aren't you?

I think that's love. I think that's red. Yeah.

_Orange._

Orange is your smile. Warm, and feels like home. It feels like the warmth we share under one blanket. The room was cold, but warm under the thick blanket. Orange is a breezy day in autumn, where we spent hours to clean up our backyard from the fallen leaves. You didn't help me though, you just jumped from one crunchy leaf to another. Orange is the color of the pumpkin you carved. We're both terrible at it and I hoped we did something other than carving pumpkins for our next halloween. 

It's the color of your skin when sunlight strikes your face. Your skin feels warm after that and I could spend hours admiring you. Orange is the color of our lamp. You told me you like orange so I changed all of the lamps in our house into the orange one. I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have put the orange one in the storage room. I'm sorry I make you feel scared. 

But now there is no fear left isn't it?

_Yellow._

Yellow is happiness. It's a sunny day where we bought ice cream in one of the stores near our school. Recently, the owner got sick and closed the store. So although I want to buy it again, I can't. Other stores aren't just the same. Or maybe it's because you're not here anymore. I don't know. God, yellow supposed to be happy, why am I sad? 

Yellow is the color of banana you always bought every Sunday. Remember the one time you tried to prove if one could slip on a banana peel like in the cartoon? Yeah, it didn't go well. Now the fruit tray is empty, Donghyuck. I don't feel like eating any fruit right now.

Yellow is what I see when we exchange notes in the classroom. I couldn't keep my laughter in what you've written in the yellow post-it so we ended up being punished by our homeroom teacher. I'm sorry for that but I never regret all the time we spent being punished outside the classroom, Donghyuck. It was fun, thank you. It's the color of glasses you bought for me. You looked so happy when I wore it at school and I didn't have the heart to tell you that yellow isn't actually my favorite color. It's yours. But it was fine.

_Green._

Green is life. I would like to see it that way. Green is the color of vegetables you dislike. I mean, we both dislike it, so why do you always put it in the soup? 

Green is the color of your pet turtle, Markie. I don't know why you decided to name him that. But I'm happy you love him. Everytime you pet Markie, I can't help but to think that it was me you cherished. That you love. Markie is fine. I told Jeno to take care of him while I'm gone for a while. Jaemin finally smiled for the first time this week. I get it, he just lost his best friend. 

Green feels like a quiet evening where we stayed on our bed until one of us got too hungry. The windows were open and we could see the trees swaying from one side to another as the wind blew. Tangled limbs everywhere. Your head felt heavy, Hyuck. Most of the time, my arm felt numb but I can't bring myself to wake you up.

_Blue._

Blue is the calm you bring. It feels like a cold library where we had to be close enough to keep warm. Shoulder to shoulder on the small couch of the library. I should've put my head on your shoulders more often, Donghyuck. It's the time I spent with you watching the rain fall inside the car. The radio is playing our favorite song, but all I want to hear is your voice.

You made me developed a habit to always let my hand stay loose because you would often suddenly hold my hand. Our fingers tangled with each other. These days, I kept doing it while I wait for the train to come, while I was waiting for my coffee to be done, while I wished for you to come back. Is that even possibble?

But now, I think it it's fine for me to finally keep my hands clenched. You wouldn't come back, would you?

This is my blue, Donghyuck.

Blue is what I see when I have deep conversations with you. With us lying beside each other, staring at the unchanging ceiling. We talked about our day and then soon escalated into our lives. You have too many worries, Donghyuck. And I'm sorry I couldn't do much other than listen to your worries. Not when I myself was still struggling with my future. I already pictured a future with you Donghyuck. 

_But now, now I picture nothing._

_Pink._

Pink is our pajamas. You insisted on buying the couple pajamas and I had no choice but to agree. I love it, 100% cotton. The comfort it brings is amazing. Doubled with you in my arms. It was everything I could've asked for. But I already threw it out, Donghyuck. I'm sorry but I can't see the purpose of couple pajamas when I don't have you anymore. If anything it brought me pain. 

Speaking of pain, pink is your gentle hands. The hands you use to bandage my wounds when I fell down the stairs that day. Renjun told us to go to hospital already. But you said that I was fine and only needed a bandage and antiseptic. I was glad that you were there to help me. But we should've followed Renjun's word. And maybe they could check on you too. And maybe you could've been. You could've been... It's been haunting me Donghyuck. I'm scared.

_Purple._

Purple is the color of the wild flowers in our garden. I thought it was weeds. It needed to be removed. But you told me that they were beautiful. So I kept them. I even put some in a vase in our living room. You thought it was lilac. But I don't think so.

Purple felt like Thursday. Thursday is a busy day for both of us. We weren't in our best condition and I ended up being oversensitive over little things. I'm sorry for every harsh word I ever said to you, Donghyuck. It was a pity argument. But you always forgive. And I always regrets.

Purple feels like the day we spent video calling each other when I'm away. Our internet connection was terrible I know. I spent minutes trying to understand what you're saying because you voice kept getting cut by the lag. But it was okay. I have all the time in the world for you. If I thought I could bear being apart with you, I was wrong. I couldn't stand every second of it Donghyuck.

_White._

White isn't on the rainbow spectrum. But if you remember our science project when we're still in middle school, white light will produce rainbows when passing through a glass prism. It was awesome. You thought so too. You even bought a prism on your way home just to recreate a rainbow. I remember how hard you cried when you accidently broke it. 

I think you're white Donghyuck. But you're not pure. You just felt like white. White is a default color, just like you are a default presence in my life. 

White feels like our first kiss. Pure. I didn't know what happened after that because I only saw white. My brain became blank. I remember the feeling though. I just hope to feel it once again.

_Black._

Black. Black isn't on the rainbow spectrum either. But I think black is a gift. For those who are totally color blind. Not me though. But I heard cows and dogs are totally colorblind. Even when you couldn't see another color, you could still see black. You see it at night. On your shadow. On your hair or eyes.

When I close my eyes, I see black under my eyelids. When I close my eyes, I only see you, Donghyuck. Was it your ghost?

Black is what you see. And soon I'll see the same shade of black as you too. Wait for me to come home, Donghyuck.


End file.
